Feedback Group #1 Peer Review Workshop 

Phoebe: “RSLA”

From the headline, I definitely know that this story is going to have something to do with the Residential Student Life Association – but I think if I were a reader outside of the class, not knowing anything about your pitch, I might want just a glimpse more of the direction you are going to take us. Jumping into the lede, there are solid facts that help orient me to what this association is, what its goals are, and who it is for. One thing I might raise is that I know we are all UNE students, but if we weren’t, it might be helpful for the impact of your story to provide that fact of what campus you’re going to talk about. You have a very detailed and helpful nut graph that gives lots of great specifics to the RSLA. Still, I think it is only a paragraph later that I start to uncover the story’s angle or purpose – that engagement in RSLA has been down. From that, we then get into how you highlight some potential reasons and look for solutions to the issue through talking with members, former advisors, etc. I think it is a great story and one that really impacts campus life – it might be helpful to think of a way to draw us into it from the beginning since it’s not hard news, and we have more creative opportunities could be a great tool. 

Molly: “An Icy Start To the Rookie Season”

I really like your subheadline – it draws me in and lets me know that you are taking the story even further than just recruitment but that there is something to be said – whether good or bad – about strengthing and maintaining the team as well. The lede tells me what I should pay attention to regarding where we are, UNE, what the hockey team looks like, when it started, and who runs it. I think it’s a smart move to begin with a credibility/authorial position from the coach’s statement and then give the reader some information on the recruiting process and the realities of running a somewhat new team. I like the line, “It is easy to see the amount of work and time that goes into recruiting new players. However, come game time these typically aren’t the players in the line-up.”  I think it does a great job of wrapping up the business side of the team and transitions us to hear from the students’ perspectives as well. The conclusion flows nicely for me, and I can see how you are taking this in a way right of passage that freshman playing time is often a major point of complaint and highlighting a new perspective on the strategic element that could be more appreciated and change the mood of the team. As for the structure, feature stories are longer and less confined by the fast, hard-hitting news, but I do think that there could be a few spots where, if you wanted to break up the paragraphs, you definitely have the content and ideas to support some of those being on their own and might keep the reader going a little easier. I think your piece also raised a question for me in terms of citation, and I wonder if, after you have already introduced who you are quoting, we also need to include parenthetical citations. 

Kayleigh: “The Living shoreline project is giving students opportunities to take positive action in the face of climate change”

I like the headline a lot – it has some great keywords that provide insight into your story’s tone and goal. Highlighting student opportunities, taking action – and positive action at that – and within the scope of globally recognized efforts toward climate change solutions makes me want to continue reading. I’m not sure if ePortfolio may have compressed some of your paragraphs, but what I think looks like your lede gives necessary information on what school and students you are referring to – being UNE – and what professor or person of authority we can look to for credibility and also providing some specifics like the course students are in and the strategies and unique situation of our “picturesque campus.” I also think there is so much great information regarding this project’s mission and good evidence in terms of climate change that makes me, as the reader, see the connection between our unique experience at UNE and being able to test what might occur globally. The quotes from Morgan and Faraday provide some nice context and give a sense of urgency that I think is always needed when looking into climate solutions. The ending does a lot in providing the amount awarded to UNE and shows the tangible impact this project can have – although I would love to have heard directly from a student in this program or maybe to provide some thoughts on the new opportunity.