Author: eohara (Page 6 of 28)
Our class workshop today was really helpful for me, and our group was engaged and willing to share some great ideas and constructive criticism. One big thing for me was how looking at my other group members’ profiles reminded me that I needed to add some things, such as a subhead, and for others, they remembered they needed a photo, etc. I have a solid list of items to work on for polishing up my profile, such as adding that subheadline, making sure I give enough context for what the research is, and adding the title of the book in the title or subheadline. I also had some helpful ideas on how to best end the piece, and I might try to find a better quote after adding in interview questions from Prof. McHugh I should be ready to be done.
Dear Sarah Bo.,
Looking first at your headline, I really like how you set up this interesting thought-provoking “below the surface” and then head into the specifics and it makes me interested to see the connection between nature and creative nonfiction. I also like how your anecdotal lede has us positioned as onlookers as we begin to identify who Ryan Brod is. Moving into the informative section of this profile, I wonder if it might help to have Brod be able to say some of his background through the quotes so that you could have the opportunity to have those direct quotes earlier in the piece. For instance, there could be an excellent place for that in the 4th and 5th paragraph – maybe instead of you telling us how unsatisfied he was without a creative outlet, which is a super interesting and, I think, essential context to the profile if he were to express in his own words that frustration it might be nice. You do a wonderful job of bringing in some of his personal experiences and influences that are really moving, and the quotes in this section are so great. One suggestion I might have for the end is there are some really profound quotes on life and creative expression, and one thing you could play around with is seeing if that might be a way to close out the piece rather than the more business side of his publication process which could do some work somewhere else in the profile. I really enjoyed reading this!
Dear Sarah Be.,
I like how your headline and subheadline are working well together to expand on what this profile will cover, but one small suggestion I have is how I got caught up a bit in the wording of the headline, and maybe adding “A Young Professor’s Rise to Teaching” could help. The lede is super informative, I know exactly who the profile is about and what they do at UNE. That said, you could add a little more creative setup since you already have all the needed facts. I like how soon you added a direct quote from Quinlan, and we hear her tone and experience to start off. I really like the student quote you incorporated, and it does a good job of bringing the profile of her background to her classroom experiences. From the headline, I feel the focus or the so-what of the profile is how Prof. Quinlan has navigated being a young professor and getting that respect from students and UNE. You have some great quotes from her on the tensions of wanting to be liked by her students but still feeling that need for separation as the professor and expert, and I wonder if a student quote might have more impact if it came after you express Quinlan’s concern and it could be a nice response to it. I also like how you give her the last word in the profile, and maybe if you wanted to add more of a concluding framework that ties us back into the focus of her overcoming inexperience, that could be even more of an ending point.
Dear Zak,
I like your headline and how clear the focus of the profile is. I knew a bit of the “so-what” question right from the beginning, and in addition to Ledbetter’s teammates, there is another layer that goes above and beyond. Moving into the background information and some context, I think there are a lot of helpful facts, such as who exactly you’re talking about, what they do, where, etc. It was also nice to hear directly from Ledbetter about his past experiences, which set us up to move to the present day. There are a couple of spots where the wording was a bit choppy, and reading those out loud as you continue to draft and edit might be helpful – I’m thinking of the 5th paragraph where it says, “However, during his recruitment it became more clear to him that he would have the chance to not only stay close to home but to be able to play football and continue his academic career as well at a high level.” I wonder if something like “However, during his recruitment, it became clear to him that not only would have the chance to be close to home and play football but also advance his academic career at a higher level” might be clearer. I know that this is a working draft, and I think those quotes that reference the other side of the profile’s focus of his residential advisor position and presidential ambassador will be really helpful!
